#2 LAB: The Process of Connection and Creation (audio quality lower)

[00:00] Processing my recent psilocybin integration trip

Hi, this is Cake. I have tried to record my second episode several times. Most podcasts die before five episodes by the way, but I am determined to figure this out. Every time I record a version, I don't like it. So this is audio that I mainly was taking for myself that I'm going to put out mostly unedited. And it's about my last psychedelic integration trip this past Saturday, and how I feel about my relationship with my service dog Pepper Ann, and how I feel about relationships in general and the process of creation. So I'm going to keep trying to figure out how to be a podcaster. And I hope you enjoy this. Thanks for listening. First up is audio from this morning. And the second part is audio from this evening. And audio has been an important part of me integrating with myself because I will usually talk to other versions of Cake. An important thing to do, to be friends with yourself when you're alone all the time in a panorama panda party. Ayee.

[01:16] Interruptions can be invitations

I just woke up next to Pepper and she's all like snuggled into a ball right in the middle of my bed. And I just realized how incredible it is that I get to spend my life with her. That we get to spend our life together. And when Jenny trip sat for me on Saturday, she pointed out that a lot of my insecurities about Pepper aren't mine. They were about other people and other people's expectations, and sense of control over how she acts and over how I act. And I have had the sense of Pepper, where I have been resenting all the needs that I fill for her. And like when she comes to interact with me that it's an interruption. And what I realized is that, for me, it might be for other people, but for me it's not an interruption. For me, it's an invitation. She's coming and inviting me. I say this as she's putting her face in my hand and licking me and making all sorts of cute motions with her tongue because she just ate her breakfast. She's inviting me, she's inviting me to have a connection with her. She's making a bid for connection. And she's bringing me back to the present. And she's bringing me joy. This little critter, as much as at times I've been frustrated or overwhelmed or anything else, she is a choice. Every day, she is constantly paying attention to me, attuning to me, and giving me these little gorgeous little invitations to just be with her. In the present tense instead of being in my head or 1000 miles away thinking about all the things that I'm supposed to do or supposed to be, she's given me freedom. And that's the same process that human children go through. Where we learn to like, view our own needs for attention and connection as interrupting others. 

[03:40] My definition of generosity and creativity

And that's why I'm struggling to create or to want to put my voice out there. Because it feels like I am interrupting other people like I'm trying to take from them. Because attention is such a limited.. It’s such a limited thing. But what I realized with Pepper, is that my generosity, whether or not that's food and drinks for my friends, or money or attention or affection or affirmations of other people, [generosity] is a gift freely given. I don't give things to other people with expectation. And it's one of the reasons why I don't really participate in holidays in the same way. 

[04:31] Love is an action that doesn’t include control

And I understand that life is very scary. And that our attachments and clinging to things not changing creates anxiety and fear and guilt and shame that we use to stay in connection to each other. I understand all that happens and I can see it happening in me and I can see it happening in others. And I am trying [laughs] to choose not to participate in that. Because that's not what I want love to look like for me. For me, love is not a feeling and it's not a state. It is a choice. It is an action. And every time I choose to love Pepper, or someone else in my life, I'm accepting them the way that they are. Knowing that I know I don't know what's going to happen in the relationship in the future. And fully respecting and valuing that person's individuality and choice. Because I can't control it and I don't want to. I don't want to try.

[05:45] Being rescued by a relationship

And I've gotten into a few relationships in my life, where I didn't realize it at first, but the other person's certainty and the other person's helpfulness and other things.. That initially I would feel less overwhelmed because I was around it. Because it just would take over. And when you're a person who has a lot of emotional intensity, it's kind of reassuring to have that be taken over. And I had so many insecurities and low self-worth, like all I wanted was to be rescued from my life. Now, I absolutely love my life and I don't want to be rescued from it. It would take a lot for another person to be more than what I already have around me. And maybe more isn't the right word.. compliments my life. And usually what happened, whether or not it was conscious in the other person.. which, actually it's much harder when it's not conscious, because then you have to go through two steps. You have to try to help the other person see what is going on and hope that they can see it, which is a frustrating process in and of itself. And then you have to figure out if it can be changed. 

[07:05] Acceptance and attunement

And I'm just at the point in my life where I don't want to try to change anything. I have such a level of peace and contentment. [I am] learning myself. I am learning how to accept the things that happen in my life and around me and with others. And accepting things that happen with other people often means ending the connection. Especially even if the rupture isn't that big, if the attunement, if the feeling of being seen and heard by that person was so low to begin with. There is nothing there to fix. And it's been so incredibly freeing to realize that there have been all these problems and issues around me where these people are coming into my life, again consciously or unconsciously, wanting to take from me. And wanting to set up this relationship where I was expected to shrink or limit myself or cater to their needs all the time. Or make up for really necessary social and emotional skills that they didn't have. 

[08:12] Childhood wounds and experiencing emotions

And while I can see all of that, and I.. because I was taught to empathize with my abuser, I always thought all these things were mine to fix. My dad did not know how to connect with another person so all I ever did was manage his emotions. My mom was such a mess because of my dad's abuse, that all I ever did was manage her emotions. And there was no room for mine. And I didn't learn how they felt in my body. And I didn't learn how I wanted to approach my life and I didn't learn what I wanted to say or who I wanted to be. And it's sad that as humans we do this to each other. 

[08:58] Why I chose Pepper Ann

But I am claiming what is mine to claim. I am claiming my relationship with myself and I'm claiming Pepper because I chose her and she's a gift. She's an incredible precious adorable little dumpling who brings me so much joy every day. And makes sure that I have physical activity and licks my face if she's concerned about me. Ruth, my EMDR therapist, asked me why I chose Pepper. And at the time I was thinking, I couldn't, I couldn't understand what the question was about. I was like, "Oh, well I chose Pepper because I thought she was part greyhound." Or I chose Pepper because of this or this or this. And those are all stories that I have made up since I've adopted Pepper. Because the story of me thinking that Pepper was part greyhound absolves me of any of the things that have happened. And I don't want to be like that. I'm accountable and responsible for her, I chose her to be in my life, no matter what. And the reason why I chose her was because when I met her, she was so sweet and curious and active and engaged in her surroundings. 

[10:18] Finding my lost pieces

And those were all the things that I had before this world took them from me. And I shouldn't.. maybe I probably, took isn't the right way to phrase that.. Those are all the things I had before the world taught me to be different, before the world taught me to shrink, taught me to hide my emotions, taught me to not want attention. Because attention was a threat to other people. And my emotional intensity was a threat. And I buried it all so deep that now I'm 33 years old and I'm finally finding all of these pieces and they're coming to the surface all the time. And I simply cannot have people in my life that are not committed to witnessing me go through this. Because this is what I have chosen. And to be in my life and to accept me and Pepper, the way that we are, the way that we currently are, not expecting us to change. It's the only way. Otherwise, I'm going to be miserable and the other person is going to be miserable. 

[11:16] I can’t earn love, because I was always worthy

And all the choices that I've made to stay in relationships, where there was so much friction, and stress was because I wasn't able to accept the other person the way that they were. And that was like, that was a failure on my part. And it was a refusal to recognize my own limitations. And when you grow up with enmeshment, you think I can always control other people's emotions and I can change them. And if I can change them, that means that I'm worthy of love. But I always was. I always was worthy of love. 

[11:57] Connection and creativity are attempts

The universe gave me a gift of understanding myself and my surroundings. And being able to grow into the kind of person who is comfortable making attempts. Creativity and connection - they are attempts. They're attempts at taking what is your incredibly rich and nuanced inner world and experiences and sensations, and trying to share it with another person or a critter. And whether or not you're doing that one-on-one, or because you're writing a book, or a tweet or whatever you're doing. It's an attempt. And I understand and I accept that there are limitations to what another person could understand about me. But the better that I get at making those attempts, the more likely I am to draw people close to me that I am truly aligned with. And when you can connect with other people that you're aligned with.. which I have, I have so many gorgeous, lovely, sensitive, complex, humorous, amazing people in my life..  when you can align with them, that's when you can truly build things that have the possibility for change. Because it isn't about being attached to the outcomes. It's about making the attempt. It's about being committed to the process. Because I can't live the rest of my life, with my capability of deeply witnessing the pain of others and the world, knowing that I didn't try. And I don't always know what those attempts are going to look like. It takes a long time. And I'm okay with that time. I'm okay. It takes the time it takes. 

[13:50] Accountability: do no harm

And the reason why I'm okay with it taking the time that it takes is because I don't want to harm anyone. And rushing and being focused on 10 times growth and all these other things that don't resonate with me.. just feel like ways that you can ignore how whatever you're creating or putting out in the world could be harming other people. And as a highly sensitive person who has been deeply traumatized by many things in my life, I am not willing to harm others. I do not believe that hurt people have to hurt people. It is not an excuse. That phrase doesn't have accountability built into it. And my definition of how all of that works, has accountability built into it. I am committed to justice in my relationships and communities. And I'm not going to be perfect at it. And I don't expect that when I make mistakes that someone else is going to help point those out to me because no one owes you anything. And I don't have those expectations. I do not expect the people around me to cater to my emotions, I give them invitations to support me. To the best of my abilities, I try to be clear about those invitations and requests so that when they accept or deny them, they have the full amount of information that they need in order to do so. And practicing that self-awareness and clarity and presence and emotional regulation.. is so important to me. And I am not at the point where nothing triggers me. I'm not an enlightened being and I probably never will be. And I'm fine with that. I'm still committed to being a Bodhisattva. 

[15:55] Letting go of being emotionally dangerous

It's like I was living my life. And I just got exposed to these ideas. And they were like a little twinkle on the horizon. And I was like, that's such a beautiful way to be, but it didn't make any sense to me. It just felt like a thing that other people could have, but I could never be like that. And I thought that because it was like I was existing in the world without any skin. And everything about existing like that just taught me that I was dangerous to myself and other people. Because I didn't know how to name or regulate any of my emotions. And so the only way that I had of coping with the things that happened to me, because I also had no process of discernment. I thought it was fine if people harmed me, I thought I was permanently broken inside and worthless. And that's what I was always going to be because that's what I was told over and over again, in words and in actions was that I was worthless. And psilocybin, and Bear and all my precious friendships, and all the teachers that I've had, and these delightful books that I've somehow built time into my life to read, have shown me that.. that it was never mine. Ruth helped me learn that it was never mine. I absorbed so much bullshit and pain from other people, probably since before I was born. And that's okay, because that's what inherited trauma is like, and that's what being human is like. And I have accepted all of this. I don't blame anyone else. I don't blame anyone for being anxious.. I used to have so much judgment, it was like built into my core, what was right and wrong in every single moment. And it was very black and white. And it was extremely punishing to me and other people. And that's not the way that I choose to live anymore. Because through many, many years of extremely hard effort, I have rewired my brain so that I don't have to live like that anymore. I don't have to be in control of myself and others in ways that are harmful. I don't have to manipulate anyone with my emotions, whether or not it was conscious, because all of my needs are met.

[18:29] Connections are mutual, imperfect attempts to understand and be understood

And honestly it doesn't even make any sense. Because I know that, you know, being alone all the time in a pandemic there are definitely needs of mine that could be met in different ways through connection with others. But I mean every day I get to talk to my Crows, Aaron and Alicia, and they see me and they understand me or they try. And for me, it's not about being 100% understood. It's about the attempt, because me explaining my world and my experiences and my thoughts and the things that I'm learning is an attempt. And other people listening to it is an attempt too. And both of those things have to go correctly. And I can't do anything about the attempt on the other side. I can just continue to work on my half of that connection. 

[19:27] Grief and the gift of witnessing or being witnessed with our pain

And when I realized all this when I was on psilocybin with Jenny in my living room.. and a lot of this was because Jenny was like pointing it out to me and so graciously listening to me. And because Jenny is a gifted storyteller and has such a rich understanding of animals. And I realized so much of what makes Jenny incredibly beautiful as a human being is her acceptance. And in people like us that are determined to invest in our surroundings over time, and show a lot of love, that can be manipulated and preyed upon by people who are lacking certain things. And I'm just so grateful that I had Jenny to be here with me that day. Telling me stories, listening to me wildly connect way too many concepts at the same time, because that's what psilocybin does. It's just a, it's just a fast and deep teacher. And I knew in that day that I was safe. And I knew that Jenny accepts who I am. We've been through so much together. She's seen me struggle and be messy and have alcohol problems and be in unhealthy relationships. And she watched me lose Franklin and she knows what that feels like. And so when I looked at Pepper, and realized that I have been afraid to fully love Pepper, because of my grief over Franklin, she could witness that for me. And I'm going to continue to move forward, witnessing pain in myself and others, because I am fully committed to completely living in reality. I do not want to experience life with the level of cognitive dissonance that it requires to allow people to be around me who are invalidating. 

[21:28] It’s all a choice

And that is my choice. And it is other people's choice, if they cannot, or their limitation, whether or not they choose to recognize it that way. If they can't accept me and Pepper the way that we are, as these messy, complex, and curious beings who just want to be engaged and have fun. And I say all of this while she's staring at me and shaking her head back and forth while her ears flop, because she wants to go to daycare. And that's where I'm about to take her. But I woke up with all of these thoughts and I had to record them. Because it was exactly what came to me on Saturday. And coming out of this shrooms trip was a lot easier and less jarring than the first one. And I did take less. And maybe that's part of it. 

[22:14] Feeling and connections are a practice

But I just have this.. there's things that you can know and there's ways that you can feel things in a way that is much different than just cognitively knowing them, because you are practicing them in your life. And they're becoming rooted in your unconscious. And one of those things that I have struggled with, is to love my emotional intensity, to love my freedom, to love my joy, to love my acceptance of others exactly the way that they are. And to live without expectations and to choose the people in my life, because they are capable or willing to mirror me in many of these things that are so incredibly necessary for my happiness, fulfillment, and sense of peace. And I am really looking forward to meeting more people, and giving them an invitation to have this kind of connection with me to the best of my abilities and the best of their abilities. 

[23:18] I am choosing to give this shit back, it was never ours

Because that is a beautiful and precious gift that I have been given by the universe. And I understand if people unfamiliar with manifestation or reading cards, or all these things that they seem unscientific and hokey, I'm a scientist, I get it. But when you feel it, and you understand the way that it is changing and affecting your brain and your choices.. Even if it weren't real, it is so helpful and beneficial to me as a person, that the only people who would prefer to take this away from me are people who want to harm me. And I don't want to be around them. Because I don't have to be. Because all of this shit that I have absorbed from the patriarchy and white supremacy and the gender binary and colonialism. Where never mine. They were never any of ours. This inherited trauma is not mine. And I am choosing to give it back. And I am choosing to live my life in a soft and gentle and graceful way, in an accepting way. Because I can, because it's my choice! 

[24:29] My emotions and intensity are an invitation you can RSVP “no” to

And these are all the things that I was saying on Saturday to Jenny except rapid speed. I'm so grateful. I love my little joyous critter, that.. my little familiar that I get to have as a partner with me in all of these things that I'm exploring. I love, I love all of my relationships and identities. Because no matter what has been taken for me, I have been given much more. And I completely accept all the former versions of myself that couldn't see that, because it was so incredibly painful to recognize what they had lost. But the thing that I love most about myself, at least at this moment in time (ask another future Cake what they feel) is that I can fully feel that. I always had that capability. While I never knew how to regulate my emotions, they were always there and showed up for me. And all they were ever trying to do was get my attention so that I could make better decisions and protect myself and invest in myself. Just like all Pepper has ever wanted to do as my dog is connect to me. And invest in our relationship and play with me and have fun, because she's fun, and I'm fun. And we're living a rich, fun, and messy life together. And if someone else can’t accept me and Pepper the way that they are, that we are, or can't accept my friends the way that they are, because a lot of my friends are also emotionally intense, neurodivergent, and have a lot going on in their lives. Because that is what living in capitalism is like and living with different disabilities is like. And anyone who can't accept me and Pepper or accept my friends or accept my life, or my ideas, the things the way that they are, can get the fuck out. Because being in my life was only ever an invitation and you can just RSVP “No”. And I don't need anything from you. Because all of my needs are met. 

[26:45] If it’s within my power

And the only thing that I need to do moving forward is figure out how to make more and more and more attempts. And to constantly be trying to improve and accepting setbacks. Because if I can explain what this feeling is like to other people, then they can make the choice to try and embrace it in their life. And if I can give other trauma survivors and neurodivergent people, and disabled and chronically ill people, any small amount of peace.. If that is within my power, I will do anything to make it happen. I don't need to write that down or put it in a mission statement. Because I can feel all of the experiences of my life. And I know what watching other people go through this kind of pain is like. Pepper’s going to be next to me chewing on a chewy chewy bone. 

[27:43] What I do for me, I do for you

I made this recording for myself, but maybe I'll just release it because I don't know. It does feel pretty accurate right now. I love you all. Thank you to all the former versions of Cake that brought me here, where I could wake up like this. Where I could wake up like this and I'm going to take my puppy to puppy care. And I'm going to have a day and I'm going to have a meeting later with another disabled person to talk about their ideas and see how I can help. Because that's within my power at this moment in time. And whenever anything isn't something that I can do, I can just say so, I can just make that choice. And it's like the most empowering and freeing thing that's ever happened to me. And I love it. And I cherish it and I'm so grateful. Every day I am so grateful. If it's from the universe, if it's from other people, I don't care where it's from, I'm grateful. 

Thank you. 

[28:43] Me and all my selves are figuring it out

I always say an awkward thank you at the end of my self-recordings [laughs]. So that was your first awkward thank you and there's going to be another one at the end of this one. So I hope you're ready. This was my night time recording, after I had processed a lot of things of the day and done a lot of work with a script, a full script of my second podcast episode. And then listening to it, I just thought that I sounded fake and inauthentic. Yeah, we're figuring it out over here. Me and all the other Cakes. Let's fucking go. 

[29:24] Awe and gratitude

I just listened to the me from this morning. And I am touched. My hand is on my heart, my puppies underneath my legs. I still have this really, I don’t know, it's overwhelming but in the best way. A sense of awe that this is what I get to live in. We have some sort of wind advisory here. And the trees are going nuts outside. And every time there's some sort of weather event, my thoughtful, kind, and caring older sister reaches out to me so I can make sure that I'm prepared.

[30:05] bell hooks and the ripples of creation

The world lost bell hooks today. And I don't want to center myself, or my emotions about it as a white person. Because I think that people of color, particularly Black people, have a different connection to bell hooks that I can't understand. And I don't, I don't know. But I also, and I also want to say, I always try to say “and” instead of “but”, so it's not friction. It's like the improv thing “Yes, and”. I want to say that her work meant a lot to me. And I am extremely grateful. And there is this really.. I went and reread All About Love, which I first read in 2018. And I'm somewhere between a third and a halfway through. And this whole chapter ended up being about the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. And that is what my first experiment is on. It’s on sentence work that he proposes in that book. And I distinctly remember, at the time reading a paperback book of All About Love. I think I was on a plane, and I don't even know where I was going. Like I can't remember what was happening. I haven't been on a plane in almost two years. And it is just so wild to me to think that in 2018, because I can go back and look at when I read this on Goodreads. Which, unfortunately I did just find out that Goodreads is owned by Amazon. It's so wild to me that in 2018, I read All About Love and I saw all of this information about the Six Pillars book. And I didn't read it until the end of 2020. And all of these, I consider, I think I mentioned this in the last episode, I consider every author that I get to read their book to be another teacher of mine. And all of these ideas are building up inside of me and connecting to each other in.. Not in a way that is boxing me in, in a way that has given me freedom. And while I haven't finished rereading All About Love, and I will, there are so many themes that come up already. They're all the themes in my recording this morning, about how love isn't about control, and respecting the rights of children to make choices and figure out who they are. And that love is an action. I said that in the recording this morning. And I don't.. I think I just realized that it's so beautiful to know that it's not about me. All these things that I've done and read and whatever. They’re just fragments of all of these other people. It's the collective consciousness. I'm so delighted that I got to read a book by bell hooks, that I exist in a world where bell hooks existed. And wrote a book that ended up in front of me that contained these ideas of such a magnitude that you can rebuild your life around them. What a glorious concept. What an awe inspiring thing. There's so much that she says in that book that when I first read it, there were things that resonated with me. And then there were all these things I didn't really understand. Like I didn't really understand how capitalism has created this nuclear family structure that leads to abuse. I didn't really understand that. And there were a lot of other things that she just explained so beautifully. And it's a book you can come back to. It's a book you can come home to. 

[34:16] .. I woke up this way?? Because I’m pickled.

I am just stunned at this moment in time, that the way that I woke up this morning was to think all of these ideas about my life and how I love Pepper and it's all connected. I don't know exactly what happens when you read something and it's in your brain for a long time. And it's just percolating in there like you're just.. I saw this somewhere, the word pickling. It's like I'm pickling in these books. Thank you to all the incredible teachers that I have been so blessed and privileged to be able to have my life touched by your work. 

[34:56] The world will be ready when you are

If you are a person who is wanting to create something or explain something or connect with others. And you are afraid, if you are afraid because you think that the things that you experience and the things that you think will be rejected by other people, if you're afraid of being rejected by others, if you're afraid it's not going to be good enough. I just want to tell you, this is me telling you, I'm giving you permission. Creativity is an attempt, please make the attempts when you are ready. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, and it certainly didn't have to be five years ago. You're on your own path, you're a part of everything else and a part of everyone else, because we are all connected. And if you can take refuge in resting, and just allowing your brain the time that it needs, allowing your body the time that it needs, to make sense of the things that you have experienced, and the things that you're thinking and what you want to put out in the world.. the world will be ready when you are ready. 

[36:15] Defining attention as a voluntary investment

And our, our concept of attention needs to be redefined the same way that bell hooks redefined.. err the same way that Bell Hooks gave a specific definition of love. Attention is an investment in someone else. It is a gift freely given. It is not something that you owe other people. And it is not something that by putting your work out there in the world, and potentially getting attention from others, you are not taking from them. You're not taking from anyone by creating. That is a scarcity mindset. All of the attempts that different people make, at the edges of our experiences, at the limits of our language, are worthy. It's worthy to try to describe the life that you are living. Share your Spotify wrapped, do whatever else that you want to do. Because if you feel connected and valued by another human being, then that means that you can show that same energy to someone else who needs it. And by us doing this with each other, we can all relationally heal. 

[37:37] Harmony, contentment, and solitude

Which means we can have better relationships with the different parts that are in ourselves. And by having better relationships with the parts within ourselves, otherwise known as the process of integration, we will spend our energy better, decisions will be easier, our life will have less friction. And that is what I'm going to call my definition of harmony, less friction, and just this mutual exchange of positive emotions and attempts to explain and listen. That's, that's what I'm going to call it. And that was the intention that I set before this psychedelic trip. It was what.. “how do I define harmony and contentment?”. And I can feel it. And if I can feel it after how broken of a person I have been, after all of the friction and crying and hiding and panic attacks and wanting to unalive myself and self-harming. If after all of that, I can be sitting here telling you this is my third recording of the day. I feel great. I love my life. I'm not going to tell you that it gets better. Because I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen in your life. I don't know what's gonna happen in my life. I just wanted to put these words of support out there for anyone who needs them. This will be my second set of holidays completely alone. I might go see my sister, if she's up for it. But for the most part, I am alone a lot of the time. And I have come to embrace my solitude in the same way that bell hooks recommends. That solitude has been so absolutely and incredibly necessary for me to figure out who I am and shake some pieces loose [laughs] so that I could rearrange some stuff. Marie Kondo-ing my psyche [laughs]. If you, if you may, if I may [laughs]. 

[39:52] I’m grateful that you exist and I am working on listening

I love you. This is my act of love. Creativity is an act of love. Using your voice is an act of love. I don't believe anyone is voiceless even if you can't speak. That's not, that's not my version of the world. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, or whatever thoughts are in your brain and whatever obstacles are in front of you, and whatever deeply held wants and needs that you have, that you are afraid to express. [I hope] that you can just let some things go and find fulfillment in whatever way you want to. That's my wish, for the holidays of 2021. For all of the things that we have collectively been through. Please find your own sense of peace and fulfillment and connection. Whether or not that's to yourself or to other people. I love you. I'm grateful that you exist. I am so happy we get to be connected in this world together. I believe in you and I believe in what you have to say. And I hope that when you're ready, that you will say it, because there are many people out there like me, who are working and ready to listen. 

Thank you.